His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
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