literally had 100 drinks last night.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
