Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
