just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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