My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
