if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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