If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
