Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
