if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
