Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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