I think my vagina is haunted
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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