Got a toothbrush?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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