I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
two words...techno handjob
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
