Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
