It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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