i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
