MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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