Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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