he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
