i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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