News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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