I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
