I just saw a hot homeless man
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Randomize
