I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
