Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
