I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
