it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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