Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
