You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
