Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
