I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
