I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
