Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You are a booty call, not a friend.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
