sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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