I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
