i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
