My first STD was from a foam party
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
