I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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