There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
