So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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