I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
