dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I want her autograph on my taint
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
