I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
