I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
