Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
