How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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