Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize