This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
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