Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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