Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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