Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
