you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
